The Saint

October 5, 2007 § Leave a comment

A message is heard.
A fathom repeats in the third.
No more hope in mankind,
pouring from the blind.
“I am lighting a candle-
to save my soul.” A vandal
laughs. Rising, flying
Above youth and intensifying-
blood shed.
A bible is torn and spread
across a crowd in the dark.
Picking up pieces—mark
A beautiful boy whose horns
are drawn on a face who mourns.
The world turns black;
falling, falling in a crack,
the bottom of a pit.
Climb out and split-
through the flickering night.
I see your spirit take flight.
Forces in a soul,
Places where you’ll
see the face of death,
feel its heavy breath.
“Do you believe in God?”
Never once did I see you nod.
Spared in the path of gunfire,
you prayed in the mire…
Not able to bear that day…
Roll over the ocean in grey.

 

© Sonya Rose

The Last Straw

October 5, 2007 § Leave a comment

There’s a pre-existing condition within my circle

that I did not create,

only a part of

the physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.

This is a vicious cycle

with too much too expect,

denigrate, or ignore…

I am so tired from opening up

like a rose

when a little sun hits my face;

then, the thunder rolls of

psychological abuse…

again.

It never ends

as there will always be storms

as well as sunshine

in all our lives,

not just mine.

We all survive breakups

within our family

within ourselves

or do we?

I don’t think so…

not according to what I’ve seen-

what I’ve heard

just yesterday.

In my circle,

comes a white-haired man

with straws…

I picked one…

which one do you think I got?

This morning I awoke…

manipulated in a power play

and held onto my straw.

I meditated on-

yesterday, I was confused

and felt guilty…

there is no “I love you but…”

or “see you down the road … maybe.”

or threatening me again…

The attacks are endless

and I wonder as if…

My way is a long and winding one

and the bag behind my back

of feathers is falling out,

one by one,

and I cannot catch

them all…

maybe, I don’t want to~

I’ve had enough.

 

© Sonya Rose

Wings of Madonna

October 5, 2007 § Leave a comment

Live with the goal in view
with the deep song
and the woman who sings pain-
wanting to catch birds
in the nets of storms.

She appears like a black shadow
and when I hear her name…

I weep inside-
with tears that cleanse my heart,
my soul, and spirit…
carrying me away-
to the burning path of love.

I hear her song of love
strong after her death.

I thought all will end-
tears, grief, will, and love…
inside of me;
it still wonders constantly.

Those mysterious black sounds
ignore the foot of roots-
hard to for me…
Gives you the very-
substance of art.

No philosopher can explain:
the struggle.

My flashbacks can be
any day,
rolling into-
a private book.
Like cosmic dice,
it’s beyond my control;
for any of my senses
may remind me…

I look in the mirror
and wonder who
that strong woman is…
Holding a mental picture-
I told the truth about my life
and the world cracked open-
swallowed me whole.
Never to speak about it…

Today, I can’t explain…
there’s something about-
the way
or I can’t describe-
the emotional connection-
The deepest secrets
from my heart…
Didn’t know where to start,
no longer frightened of-
those days;
putting myself out there,
my heart of anything.

The past is as much work
as the future;
but, I keep on moving…

…these life experiences
under the blue skies of birds,
are coming closer together-
their shadows move with me…
We all are flying.

 

© Sonya Rose

Razor Blade Grace

October 5, 2007 § Leave a comment

Pressure’s off-my connection of bonding:

inherited strengths, tendencies-

just the name Rose…

weakness of character,

being put in a cage…

Ah, the universal life of power

and my connection with humanity…

is it all pain or struggle…?

Times of great change,

my death,

my birth…

And blood preceding the change,

the carrier of the spirit

of past lives that live

in me-

Genes I carry: untold generations

of human experience,

with all its pain,

tragedy, and wonder…

And my collective human experience-

a link felt

with the unconscious forces,

subpersonalitites within-

Doorway to the subtle world

of the unconscious feelings…

What pleasure…

difficulties…

I’m pursued by what-

I have created:

My emotions, actions, inaction-

fear of failure

death

creativity, love

passionate response to living…

Oh, my deepest wisdom

and oneness with things…

The needle in the haystack

is penetrating

insight…

And, Eternity’s connecting,

my secret longing…

 

© Sonya Rose

The Long Encounter

October 5, 2007 § Leave a comment

I don’t know how I got into this room in my mind…

I was sitting in-between two dark women
standing beside me,
wanting to be chosen, too,
by whom some may think is
a prophet.

To me, he just told the truth
and kept telling it, over and over;
And it sounded like nobody
wanted to hear it really…

He provided to those…
And handed me, his new companion-
A bar of chocolate,
with his face on the wrapper,
matching the sweetness inside.

A decade ago,
he was much thinner:
I like the way he is now
and the way he was then…

I hope to enjoy the chocolate with him:
Share happiness-
comfort…
The wish to escape difficulties
in life…
It’s only temporary I hear.

He is now linked to this moment,
making me feel real welcomed, to his table-
I go, how friendly he is towards me.
He said warmly … he will get
the big white empty plates.
There were two others, sitting across from me.
I could tell they love jazz-
just by the way they looked at me.

My friend will be bringing back those
needs, my appetite;
Perhaps, even status or I will restore
his, somehow…

I hear in the past only the rich had plates:
I look forward to being rich.

I don’t know what happened;
but, I looked up in the skies-
and witnessed something horrible,
an explosion…
The plane tore in half…
and I saw the cockpit drop…
The men in it…
My heart could not retain
that pit feeling
in my stomach.

I woke up before my friend ever returned;
now, I don’t know about the future
projects or direction exactly.

Only recall the last words he said,
“Let me get the plates.”
I don’t even know what we were celebrating
or sitting down to discuss
or why he even invited me
to the table.

But, I do know this…
We have something deeply in common:
We love film, poetry, and jazz.
He made a quick dramatic change:
I did, too.
He took a big risk to transform
his situation:
I did, too …

He changed and influenced others
while he was in that room,
even while he left…
Because I’m reflecting now
back to those days…
to today.

He broke away from a dangerous
lifestyle…
We both never boarded that plane;
but, we both leaped into the unknown,
into chance.

We represent the powerful symbol
of change, the yin and the yang:
The black and the white.
The eternal is speaking…

Mysterious possibilities-
I face.

All the plans, love, hopes, and efforts-
Were made out to crash: its tragedy
moved its way into the web of relationships
and events—connected with the flight
we never took.

We both feel the rippling effects…

I saw those men, the first group—felt attacked
by their doubts and self-criticism.
I grabbed for their guns
and struggled, feeling out of control
like the way life’s events
are taking me…

I don’t think there is a way
to achieve goals,
making it in a real
down-to-earth way…

No way to leave everything
behind…
and rise above
successfully…
difficulties of the past.

Maybe, a way to escape
an early death
out of precaution;

but, sadly, no way to avoid-

the persecution.

The power of my friend’s mind
moves among millions still;
He’s not aware…
but, I have learned through him
in just one dream encounter…
in these many states of being.
He had a significant place
in our society;
His music
reflected the times…
still we have.
He made me believe
that when no one cares
about your life,
he did…
he understood.

Maybe, he will-
be back again…

 

© Sonya Rose

Soul of Lily

October 5, 2007 § Leave a comment

Physically,
mentally,
financially-
Just the fact
that you accomplished
something:
A brave one.

The intelligent ones
come around
and appreciate you.

See, you’re an easy target:
It’s simple to call you stupid.
Make fun at what you’re doing.

It takes away from them.

You’re doing it.
You came in the world
with it.
You owe no one-
Nothing.

That’s the reality of it.
You’re fine.
You’ve won half the battle;
And about your driving…
you like the adventure.
It’s a huge task
to some people;
To you, it’s no big deal.

Just getting settled into
a new world here-
Loads of planning:
That’s what it takes
for me to travel with you-
and courage,
determination,
goals…
I could go on and do…

There’s times where
you may feel…
like breaking-up
inside;
that you can’t-
handle it-
the truth…
you know
there’s-
a lot of sacrificing
in those diamond deals.
The bad side, you’ve seen it.

And, I can’t help but wonder…
what if you sacrifice
all this—hard work
and you’re alone with your tears,
sweat, no money saved…

The other woman will do whatever
she can do to make
my friend’s life miserable;
That other woman I hear
wants her man back
deep-inside…
it’s playing Russian Roulette;
whose going to win?

I wish … I knew;
I’m not a gambler.
Yet I go back, too,
sometimes and do it again.

It’s a huge sacrifice-
some say.

Years until the youth-
Everyone breaks free
from something…
not right.

A big price to pay
if he decides to go back.
Most return—because they
have no life or can’t make it,
so frustrated…
the broken hearts.

Lie down for a while
if you are so darn tired.
And ask yourself-
when you awake…

Do I have the strength for-
these kind of battles?

A lot of problems … everyone’s fighting:
It never ends.
Too much for me…
How much more can you take?

I take it all in…
I can’t take it.

The world’s changed-
a million times
for the children today,
even for us-
The perfect family world.

The more you age
the harder you work…
Strange way of wanting
Love…

And, there’s always someone
who never knows what’s going on…
what happened really:
The Happy Joe in your circle
who never misses the Love Train
who never steals the show
or brings you down.

And, … always someone’s mother
who says she can’t make
miracles;
Can’t change the situations…
or the past or the future.

I say maybe
she could have-
done something;
even for herself
first—today…

 

© Sonya Rose

Chaos Central

October 4, 2007 § Leave a comment

A galactic gravitational force
within the spiral shaped curvature
of the space-time galaxy-
is not something I think of everyday.
I don’t know what is the shape-
of things to come;
but, I know form has meaning.

(E=mc2) is interchangeable,
mass and energy
paired up with a kind of
nothingness … emptiness
doesn’t seem to matter,
now, does it?-
winding in from outside
accounting for the weirdness.

My intelligence is enchanted.

By what you ask?

My ancestors, a genius Jew…
The universe … as I know it:
Chaotic—
Classic theory, a reality.

My logical words
fail me
every so often:
when I think right…

I’m in a surreal world—
with Dali;
He could paint a still-life
of a space-time landscape—
Matches my friend’s talk of illusion:
Is not just poetry.
Why never Dali painted
the Disappearing Bust
of Da Vinci?

Da Vinci was the master
of remarkable illusion~
Have you seen the dining room wall
of the Monastery of Santa Maria delle Grazie?
I have not and so is my misfortune—
Or journey in my mind to Milan.

Da Vinci would combine
corners of walls
with paintings…
I sometimes walk
inside of it…
It does seem possible:
Does it?
I’m not sure

if I am an artist anymore—
Not sure of my methods,
haven’t painted in a while…
Those prancing horses and battles…
And strange horseman
Dali was more aware
of that mossy wall.
I recognize the influence…
Remember the story of the Italian
who lived during The Renaissance?
He grew up dirt poor;
surrounded himself with culture
and knowledge from the start…

One day, he visited Da Vinci
with his father
and they spoke of geometry
long hours in the night…
Does anyone do that today—
Discuss matters…?

There is always this connection
with people in the arts…
I can’t explain it
and it’s not just your root of
humble beginnings …
It’s more…
Some curious combination—
You may not be good at math;
But, you are a big part in
powerful mathematical conceptions,
complex numbers, probabilities,

strange ideas in the hidden mysteries
of the sub-atomic world.

So, we all love modern thoughts;
but are we aware of it’s origins?
…mystical visionaries—
Dali and his treasures
buried beneath the trash
of those who think they were smarter.
Sometimes our perceptions are distorted.

Most called Dali crazy.
Why did he meet

with prominent scientists,
chaos theorists—
Even in his later stages of life?
Who influenced Prigogine—
others involved in the creation
of the new physics.
My guess would have been Dali~
He was fascinating…

We all are caught daydreaming…

Even on my way out west—
the Indian men I saw
in the red rocks
I, too, reflect on the wonder
all around me…
I took notice
as I dreamed away:
Nature seem to change shape
from one figure to the next…
in the space of the spirit.

Do we, too, become constantly
our opposite…
Dissembling, ambivalent,
hypocritical, disguised,
vague, and concrete…?

Why was not Dali-
The 20th Century Da Vinci?

You and I have one feature in common:
Irregularity—With a peculiar kind of order,
insights into the natural world…

Can you paint fast enough:
the face of a cloud…
the path of lightning…
the galaxy of stars?
The wildness of the wind
has effects on everything,

you and me:
unpredictable,
repetitive…

…have you ever lost sync
only to pick up
another rhythm?
From my window,
I hear the vehicles-
on the freeway…
chaotic patterns.10:
The science of beginnings…
Understanding why
I move with them…
Why everything
moves with me—
Every artist or scientist
has an eye
for pattern…

Has a rebellious imagination…
Experienced those random,

complex thoughts,
taking leaps in their heads
along jagged edges,
bleeding…
No easy way to get out
of the mind…
We are looking
for the whole:
the mystical themes…

Today, is the day to let go—
I’m not polished,
I bit messy like nature itself…

Oh, those drifting clouds…
Take me away~
I can’t stand

all the gossip;
Tell me facts…
My hum-drum world
is more exciting;
My sense of scientific intuition.

If I look back on my life someday~
The events were never alike.
How can I rewrite the details
with again the same passion?…
When I could lend the slogan:
“The Straw That Broke the Camel’s Back”?

It’s beyond my capacity—
Impossible to predict
which way my story will go
after what has happened…
How can I predict its outcome
of random events…?

The mysteries of ourselves
can be decoded:
I think…

A fundamental connection
with the universe~

Does history really repeat itself?

I’m evolving in my skin
and extremely sensitive;
Are you watching me—
God?-

Every move I make?
How do you predict my behavior?-
Mathematically by my genes?-
My conditioning…
Outside the control setting…
Who knows?

That’s why someone told me
“Forget everything”…
Easier said.

So, now, we are:

Jack-and-Jill-of-All-Trades.
How many good tricks-
do you know?-
Better come up with a few
before you snap
like the twig I saw
fall in a storm,
land before my feet…
I, too, have to focus
on abrupt change;
I’ve had many…
like my computer-

has a system…
I’m drawn to it
like two lovers~
associated…
separated by distance.

How do they behave
in miraculous ways?
Are we all unstable
coming together…
and breaking apart…?

Things happen.
People can be mad.
Nothings the same again
for broken relationships,
families…

Everyone winds up suffering
one way or another…
All kinds of problems
one way or another;
Once a family is broken up—
It’s never the same…
Repeat the repetitive year after year;
Chaos controls the mind…

So many accomplishments
in my family—No one sees
as a big deal … No one says:
“you made it”:
“I’m proud of you”…
How do we grow
out of a negative
environment and be happy?

There’s more than one genius
in a family.

Pick an outlet to plug into:
alcohol, gambling, socializing,
entertainment…
I’ll pick poetry, art,
my ramblings…
I’m amused
where the pain goes.
Remember this…
(for the next generation):
It only takes ONE person to CLAP…
And I’m not going to make sense
of everyone’s actions…
Or why I write
out of nothingness…

How do we try our best
to keep the weirdness
of our lives
understandable…
Document it to a minimum,
leaving names and their actions out…

In my head, a knot, a twist…
how ever far I am…
There is a movement-
which holds us all together…

Falling into this hypnotic state
through quantum lenses,
a film through which we see-
the world whole,
a universe outside of ourselves.

Returning to the heavens—
We all are spread out weeping…
because we haven’t stopped sweeping,
the foundation of matter
of ourselves … dust, climbing out…

May we see the far reaches
of this galaxy and beyond;
but, first let me take-
some aspirin
as I have thought
too much this hour…
My brain is splitting…
Interesting…
how the words flow.
I won’t hold onto my dreams
too tightly here in Hollywood.
Better luck playing the lottery
as Bill Maher would say~

Tonight, I’ll watch some science fiction…
“Star Wars”—because there is no reality…
And the unreal is possible—There’s me
…and the lights, mirrors, and illusions;
and the kid outside screaming at his friend,
“You’re a big loser!”…
and the sound of glass shattering
as the teased boy stomps—
creating different shaped, sized pieces…

Now, calm and obviously disturbed.

 

© Sonya Rose

Dolma

October 4, 2007 § Leave a comment

Eating something stuffed:

A savoury, well-seasoned filling

wrapped in a casing of grape leaves-

filled with rice, pine nuts,

raisins, and herbs, though this

Lamb … can’t understand…

What will I need now?

Sunglasses are everywhere…

Let me finish eating:

I have different thoughts

when I think of

olive oil.

With every dish,

salt and pepper to taste,

and the juice of one lemon…

Could not resist the fresh mint.

If I had grapevines in a garden,

I would be lucky;

If I had a garden … a kiss-

I’d let your roses grow~

…being laid out to dry?

The leaves who get burned

every once-in-a-while…

May I just dream of…

timeless luxury?

Still unsure about my feelings

with the Watchmaker-

’cause he calls me Slow.

I tried to put up with everything.

…should have said:

I shouldn’t … put up with everything.

Oh, this Essence of Experience-

…now how exactly did I push

my way through these doors

without loosing my identity?…

I gave away freely my belongings,

money to get here…

Was not in the right frame of mind.

How can I cope … to get places

that I wish to go?

I depend on this big group…

and my sister’s waiting for events

to take us somewhere.

I’ll be getting involved with strangers.

Taking a good look around…

Not where I planned to be:

Not going to miss the bus this time.

I am trying to leave-

something behind: negative feelings-

in this small room…

Just wait for me…

La da da dee da da da da
La da da dee da da da da

Oh, the beat in my heart…

 

© Sonya Rose

Way Down…

October 4, 2007 § Leave a comment

“How tight is she with him?”…
A shady character wishes to know.

She thinks his music is lovely;
…never argues with an irrational man.
Remembering the fights:
So bad … So sad that happened.
Stuff thrown against the wall…

It was time to drop it.
Leave it go:
It’s a bad habit for sure.

I’m taking off.
Coming home….
It’s getting dark—and darker.
Seems like … 10 o’ clock in the night.

My sister’s up in the tree crying…
Won’t come down for the world.
Things always getting
physical in the mind.

Makes me turn my world around…
The white space is filling up
and I’m choking. Look at me…
I really need the dark now—
Back to where I belong:
In space…

Just, can’t get involved…
can’t get him out of my mind,
the stranger … gets stranger.

I could see him in the night;
I feel his heartbeat … and…
He kisses me,
shutting me down.
He’s dropping…
Something’s going on inside of me….
He said he’s bi—
what…

I feel vulnerable, unsure,
and I’m penetrating…
Directing his movements
or he’s directing mine.
Our wetware is fading.

We’re disappearing,
reappearing into each other—
like two blind dancers.
He’s just the way I like him:
That’s the way it goes.

I understand him—
beyond the name.

So hard to outrun the dream;
Where’s there’s two of him…
And I don’t know which one—
I’m dashing from…

I’m woven into this experience…
See…

Maybe, we are meant to be.

It’s been so hard—
since falling off the bike;
But, I’ll get back on again
to enjoy the world…
to continue looking at the stars.

Waiting for that moment…

 

© Sonya Rose

In Reach

October 1, 2007 § 1 Comment

We are all trying

to reach God

on four thin blades

and a tight rope.

 

© Sonya Rose

Painting a Mystery

October 1, 2007 § Leave a comment

Far from my bed,

I slipped into a dream…

I arose empty-hearted

on my knees.

 

Looking around me…

Stranded

in the middle of the ocean…

waiting.

 

Wrapped in a torn gown

in the dark distance…

I see someone

gravitate towards me.

 

His dark raven hair…

The eclipse of the moon

cast as shadow on his face.

 

His arms

ready to wrap around me…

 

In the well of his love

lies a keychain,

…descending fast

in my dream.

 

Under my sheets,

I searched

for a million miles.

 

Right before me …

stands the dream

upside down,

turned around…

in the painting

fallen from the wall.

 

I hear his heartbeat,

faster and faster.

 

Two parallel waves

intersect

and I am breathing

on the other side of this wall.

 

© Sonya Rose

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