Year of Grace

December 18, 2011 § Leave a comment

I sit here—

Dreaming for things to naturally fall into its place.
Staring into my living space, so weak I appear.
Can’t keep up the pace—
Of the human race, a well-established career;
I feel so out of place.
I look back at the years, a memory trace of an old frontier.
See the rough bumps, the crinkly pattern in an emerald green depression vase…
In my changing face, I feel a new tear.
If only I could embrace—
The colors of the wind in its breathing space (all-clear)
If only I could swim with the ocean and reappear—
Like a pearl in its hiding place…
If only I could jump on the next cloud and disappear—
Fly to a higher place.
If only I could touch the sun and give more cheer—
Not burn up in deep space.

If only I could walk on the moon (from here)—

Write that song that I hear play from its imaginary place.

If only I could play bass… and drink some fine dark beer—
On and on and on, in a parking space

With no cars, just a gathering space—to give ear;

A meeting place, a change of pace

For anyone who needs breathing place, a life peer.
Like me, this is my visual place.
Some say it’s a prisoner’s base, to draw nearer
To a lower place; to interlace…
Others say its part of an obstacle race, never to interfere
With a higher space,
And now my dog at my feet, who I hold dear,
Just wants me to cut to the chase.
All I know, it’s still all unclear…
But, to be sincere,
I could never fight this (cancer) alone, without fear—
Not without Love or my heart in the right place;
And, especially, not without—Grace.

Description: 2011 is my Year of Grace. Through a vivid dream, I was led to receive proper healing. I was warned to get my breasts thoroughly checked. After ultrasound/MRI-biopsies, I was diagnosed: stage 2 ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma), LCIS & DCIS, grade 3, node-positive. Following a lumpectomy, 8 cycles of chemo, deep in September, I had a bilateral total skin-sparring mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. In just one year, my risk dropped from 85% to 35% to 17.5% of cancer recurring. As, I am continuing my hormone therapy for the next five years, I have adopted even healthier ways of living, a greener lifestyle. I am learning more on what it means to be a BRCA mutation carrier, with a 50% chance plus 1% higher every year of hereditary ovarian cancer… and other cancers (pancreatic, malignant melanoma, subgroup of lymphomas and leukemia). Also, what I must do to further overcome my underlying condition of Chronic Lyme Disease.

I’ve been blessed through the miracle of more than just one dream (as my cancer went under the radar of GYN/self-breast exams and mammograms for over 8 long years, after 9/11 exposure, around age 30)… through excellent care of doctors and nurses, family and friends, my fiancé, my sweet Sonny… through the power of God’s angels on Earth and in Heaven. Through those faces that I’ve seen in my dreams before I’ve met them…

God’s Gift

December 21, 2008 § 1 Comment

Every morning, I rise to a canvas, snow-white.
A new experience awaits.
I vision a rainbow of light,
become as a little child who creates.

I am looking at art
though hands of a miracle,
to the center of my heart,
to the depths of my soul.

Taught by the Greatest Teacher,
I listen in silence…
Draw from every feature:
Perfection, Rebirth, and Innocence.

Presented a palette to paint the Prince of Peace,
I stand before the Divine’s greatest masterpiece.

© Sonya Rose

Sleeping Eve

December 13, 2007 § Leave a comment

 

God paints our lives with his mind,

sculpts—with his body,

composes—with his soul,

choreographs our entire journey with his spirit…

the increasing height of immortality

is sleeping

 

© Sonya Rose

My Brainstorm

December 2, 2007 § Leave a comment

I was inspired from “Maybe” to write this…
Here it is:


My pen rose and I expressed fascinations
Trying to forget these frustrations
Irresponsible gossip let me be
I spend considerable time and energy
Trying to resolve problems with the insight
Of a mathematician linking black-and-white
Genius and spirituality-
Beauty


Mathematically, I am ugly;
Yet my intuitive sense is searching for me
To inspire to be
Something fortunately-
I have experienced it; what does occur
The conviction of a final answer-
My sense: There’s no doomsday
Just doomsdays’, I feel this way


I met Mozart once in my dream, behind-
A large piece of music in the Mastermind
One idea, exciting, I thought
His soul was on fire with high winds; he taught
The complete order of inspiration
Telecommunication; I’m not alone in my vocation
His work grows,
And no one quite knows
How long an entire composition
Is finished in someone’s mind; my ambition
Begins before the musical prelude today
A feeling I downplay


In the morning, I glanced at a beautiful man
I missed the obvious; someone stole my superman
So, I listen to Beethoven’s music; mystical
He couldn’t…yet, my soul
Hears and he knows
The musical scores and sounds in his head, goes
No where; always in his head transcendent
Of human suffering and I am touched, underwent
Another miracle
Making it through the night, while I suffer ridicule


Einstein, Newton, Copernicus, and Ludwig
Is still surviving, unimaginable; and a theatrical gig
At 12,000 feet, I am forming in a visionary sense
I am struggling to breathe, another day tense
Their expression is unfamiliar; the lists
Of musicians, poets, painter, scholars, scientists,
And creative people, who will terrify…
Why they do it…I don’t know why
It’s intense; politics
And I come off the mountain, the quick fix


My mother says that I am the lower elite; still
The upper elite are twice as likely to get ill
Unpin the cap to womankind
Intentionally stirring-up intense emotions, I’m refined
To inspire themselves in their creations
My emotional hardship of my life, underestimations
I hide too much pride
Yet you offer your humble inspiration; I hide
Escape with you in real misery,
Our creative city


A mystery, unresolved these experiences; quite
The painful reality of an unhappy family, one more fight
Why are we at risk…? Uncanny, not
Simply talented alone; forget it brother, it’s a long shot…
Is your heart truly imaginative, innovative….?
Our life is secret, did you know…discriminative-
I encourage you to reenlist
You’re in need of more experience; there’s a checklist
Why are still in your nightclothes-
Sitting on your window-sill…thinking of that single rose
Expressing disappointment; you rushed someone’s time
On earth, sent a letter of the dead and wounded your crime


Who is reaching out to the families of the dead?
Rapid thinking, a flood of ideas…in my head
Can we enjoy angelic visions anymore?
Of those who hallucinate…who wants more?
Afflicted with the marvelous capacity of the brain
I’m curious about such an evanescent image…am I insane?
Does your mom wear Army boots?
I am painfully aware of the camp and my roots…


How many thousands were, are sent?
There are no guarantees in visiting and paying rent
The site of this historic event
This is effecting…the confident…
The entire world deeply…
May feel off-key….


Paperwork into the deep trough of time
The remnants of a former battleground; don’t waste a dime
They are fit to fight and we should save….
I appreciate the soldiers; how many more to send to the…let’s brave
Who hopes, proceed with a feeling of communion, say
That unforgettable way
The intensity of their difference; yet we are left pondering
Wondering….
The impoverished human potentiality is a walkway
It doesn’t have to be this way
If we could control
Target the greedy, help today’s death toll;
But, someone will argue with me
My special ability to see
For life uninterrupted, we do nothing…
Another Saturday in blizzard conditions, let’s watch something…


Do we have to prove that a person has wit?
Has to create a masterpiece to proof it?
A rare gift, maybe; but, the artist struggles, exhausted
Confused, and useless to those lying in a warm bed
How about those dedicated souls in turmoil? Why not bother…
Their crying for their mother or father
Lover to save them….every second, I’m crushed
Both my creative and the depressive halves…”mushed”
I am uncertain…sliding down hill some more….
Ten thousand tons of snow…what for…
The snow has to go somewhere…what I snow-blind
How you handle an avalanche…falling into your…rewind
While you are in your shorts coming undone
Sweating in the hot sun


It is the warmest year on record; who out there is a loner?
Things are changing; whose physical vulnerability…who’s a goner
What is your drive…your personals…? My hunger is curbed…
So many are emotionally disturbed
No matter who is doing what…? Whatever income
Do we have the courage to overcome?
Our childhood programming…
The way the brain functions…slamming-
Are we going to crash into hell….?
Some things take time…well,
Jesus is a hard act to follow….
My parent have not quite made it; I swallow
Their struggling, discouraged, I weave
My failure to achieve
My maximum ability…two by two


There are things you can do…
To save your lives I suppose…why fail….
It takes a matter of days to unveil
A new established order…steer clear of war
And move our country forward…The eagle is sore
I cannot repress the politically dangerous ideas
Their contaminating the prevailing…we as
An artistic idealism – chart
The direction, alternative plans have a heart
In the arts and sciences, a star system of stability
…too many cooks, respectability
Are spoiling the broth for half a century….
For the soup of change…too many authorities agree
We’re causing confusion….for the sake of change…gone.
Explain….the shock, fear…barely enough to live on…
Simple dreams are not coming true…
The world wants a future…to grow up…we’re in the blue


God-willing….the minds of intelligent and creative people
Convince the chosen to stop-ringing the bell in the steeple
Close our eyes to the reign of Zion-
To the rescue…defines our reality about the symbol of a Lion.
Who is sane, who is not…reigning
Can you survive…are you just maintaining-
You writers, musicians, artists, composers, actors,
Directors, and athletes…here are the smart factors
The instability of my poetry, soon…
Just a few miles down the road…I resume
My poem will someday end…
And all the wisdom I required, I’ll send…


I am aware of the eagles flying higher…
Of the highest mountain burning in me…the western wire
So many sides of us…the different sides of Einstein, a freeman
Sorrow still reigns after the mushroom cloud over Japan
Enormous pressure, nervous breakdowns, in creating the color-blind…
What degree are you…in humankind; I’m snow-blind
None, mild, marked, or severe…in a win
Do you know Heisenberg, Fermi, Plank, and Edison
Darwin, Pasteur, Rutherford, Bell
Neils Bohr, Boltzmann, Mendel, Michelson, swell…
Strange-love indeed…still threatens us
With the apocalypse…what’s all the fuss?
And my friend, the mathematician is mentally high
Unstable…but, I’d rather hang out with my
Creative friend who has no threat
To humanity…so what he’s in debt.


And, I asked Herman Melville, what the big deal is about Mars
And Moby Dick…HM went away, locked behind window bars
-until he could finish the end…
I can’t possibly measure up…I am tormented, too…my friend
The issues of madness, genius, politics, do in fact overlap….
Don’t they….Churchill, De Gaulle, Lloyd George, Mussolini, and Stalin, nap
Hitler, Bismark, Disraeli, Lincoln, and Woodrow Wilson…the rumbling
Ezra Pound was defeated…..brilliant…yet crumbling…
Through the door, I don’t know…I hear the crying….our fate
Around here….in my country…we somewhat try to be straight…
The power struggle with suitcases in our hands….
We walk in this brutal world…having the courage to travel to faraway lands
To see the world the way it actually is….
I don’t know…I’m no whiz


We’re nervous…who is calling out our names….the Men-In-White?
The Men-In-Black…? If you see adventure, fly like the wind, like a kite
Another mountain to climb….in my head, I know….
The necessities…Take a shot…..taking risks, some low
Departing from reality is one thing….
We really are all tired of something….
Amen…We all lost sometime….
Having second thoughts all the time
What does your beautiful mind see…firepower in the raw-
Under the gun of John Nash…I can’t see anything, never saw…


Let’s take it easy-thinking I am through understanding; yet have the key
The incomprehensible paradoxes of yesterday’s tyranny
So what kind of music….can we promise to painlessly-
Dissolve the ‘ice people’ tomorrow…are we…
I see the destiny of nations in the hands of the insane…doesn’t it seem
The progress of mankind….my friend who is bi-polar extreme
Was inflicted by that mentally unstable scientific genius
Who damaged man and the environment….all riding in a bus…?
Opens the universe to human exploration….takes the chance
Can you hold opposites in balance…?
Focus…should be no separation
Into the depths of a future or our own creation
We are not the fortunate ones: let’s just have fun…
Someone is prying a beautiful girl out of her sun…
That’s not what she really wants…
The scientist willingness to test her ideas, hunts
The greatness from colleagues…not a lunatic….
Protects his creative exploration, grabs a chair to watch her flick
Is there a boundary to separate genius? Do I know the trick…?
A line away from madness, science from magic
Lady Love never smiles at Dr. Strangelove, a sad tone
So how can he break the spell…he realizes she’s all alone
Is anyone out there, he shouts….he’s got to know…
Newton was a magician; modest…he always has a foe


Close my eye…Is there a romantic image for me…?
The heroic rebel who may not have denied God; look-see
He’s fooling me, all-together…
Without uttering the name, not ever
We are loosing the vision all together….
If you really care…the knight of faith….whether-
I tread on holy ground, don’t desecrate it.
Sacred Earth….Orphan of the Universe who’s been hit.


Now, I’m in a lounge, forgetting my neck pain….
Observing everywhere…where love walks in vain
Shoveling dirt, adopting organic culture….malnutrition
Let’s go to the supermarket…important transition.
Glad I take an interest in biology and medicine-the pain
Your secret lies outside the brain…
Did you know…don’t believe everything you read-
Lay off the caffeine…these pills and drugs, slowly feed…
Killing people I know…so many different sizes and colors, a clan
What makes a man hate another man…?
Help me understand; Ecstasy is not leading me to paradise…
So far brainstorming has two meaning; my fingers are a twitching devise
I have a bright idea! Call this poem Jumble Me!
I can’t dream it, will all fit together…ABC’s in the DVD
Let me drift off to space…no trace, no race, and no face
I’m waking and sleeping…The Whiteface
A sudden jerk…I can’t face the night…
I’m in tears; I have to break apart from the suffering…right?


I don’t know what I’m going to do about this feeling inside…
I’m without your love…suffering, in my bed, I hide


I never heard the voice of Christ; but, he is the reason why…
Where’s that area in the brain with mystical experiences? The eternal high-
Can’t help but think of sexual fantasies…still, reading poetry
Designed to evoke my feelings…not ESP
Money now on my mind…


My mother warned me of untold dangers…I grind
The danger of creativity…The Little Prince’s flower
Broke me down…only for an hour
Don’t mess around…the wound and the bow
Let’s embrace if it’s o.k. with you…no?
Let’s rise up…have fiestas…hot, hot, hot
Learn the fear, the change less…our age, spot-
Troubled minds take their lives…trade-in
Dressed-up in my own skin…
No escaping….why some are so pushy, mothers
Attack all others…..


Oh, this new world order…we are aliens in our own lands
I’m crossed-out, worn symbols…shaking dirty hands
My world is now camouflaged….I want to fly-
Not come down….I have fire in my wings, prettify
Reason-to-believe that they’ll do it again…baby steps-by-steps
Operating deep within, guiding our evolutionary foot-steps…
This is urgent…They’re playing tricks on our minds…
We are evolving…waiting in lines
The seal of the creative…human touch of madness
Obsessive quality….unique, sadness


Intimate…
No thought of oblivion….mad in love with art…Fate
My heart is in my head….
So powerful….How are you feeling? There’s ringing…never wed
Who can we believe in….Who I should call now…? Leave-
The stars are still shining…I saw a star shoot on Christmas Eve
And I can’t see any reason…if someone drops and I submerge, my kite
Thinking in quantum burst of energy…my soul’s alright…
Listening to the haunting melody…the one I know by heart (sweat)
Can’t let go…am I dreaming? I can’t believe; I refuse to forget
Who is knocking at my door, at this hour…a junky? Go away (fried)
I’m not here no more; I just wish to be alone…hanging outside…


There’s no sound…I keep to myself…nothing wrong with my state
Of mental health…God plays with loaded dice…love and hate
Future I can see, let’s play…
Disturbs my friend, the scientist who walks by Route 89, that highway
Who can it be now? We are living in? A lie
Extraordinary times…How ordinary are…I?
I’m attracted to plenty…a symphony of souls…
A little bit of this, a little bit of that, Rules
A little bit of me in this kind of passion
I’m entranced by this consuming love, changing fashion


Charged with sexual fever…
Love from afar…unexplored feelings, disbeliever
For the other…it’s all been a game…
I have now discovered a new peak, the loneliest, the same
Of mortal reflection…a sacred moment…sanctify
If you can see…share the intimacy…give someone else a try…
The heavens can open rivers of time part…
Marry me…my world is filled with strange arrangements…one heart
The look of love, promise of paradise…what is your reason for living? Lost keys…
I don’t know all the answers…all the information….these
Intense feelings I all create…never judge the look
By your armor…unleash my knight; I’m standing in the wind…an unwritten book
Not waving good-bye…unaware you are…I am
It’s understandable….should I try like Steven Crane, John Lennon, Paul Gauguin,
Leo Tolstoy, Frank Lloyd Wright, Pablo Picasso, Henri Matisse, Eugene O’ Neill,
And George Orwell….who cares about poor grades….What do you feel?
Looking for an answer…trying to find the design….
I am still singing the lost-love song from those days-ran over, behind
Get back to the beauty of a naked Greek goddess, exposed in private…
My instinctive channels….intercommunicate
That music of that one human voice is memorizing, born out of time….
So little time…I’ll be coming back for more to my mountain-my rhyme
It’s not something which really exists, so abstract….
But, I have this streak of wildness….of madness, as a matter of fact


Suppressed for years…
I turn to Nature…to the night, in my fears.
To my pillow…not truly isolated, plugged into space
A network of beauty-brilliant revelation, birthplace
Programmed into the Renaissance, I find
In my theater of sleep…in my emotionally torn mind…
The cast shares a common sorrow….contagious grief
Makes me sweat from the bright lights; Make it brief
Their endured mental and physical agony
Does not destroy them; we don’t forget our lines; “to-be, or not to-be”
Why we are on stage…who we are performing for…
Stepping into the start of the Twilight Zone…our allure
My mind spreads its wings, return to being upside down…hauntingly, beautiful sound.
We’ll sing and dance to a new song; the feeling never goes away, I’ve found.

 

© Sonya Rose

Painting Eternity

December 2, 2007 § 1 Comment

“Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence.” – Vincent van Gogh


A flower may blossom, wither
And then die without anyone
Ever seeing or knowing its
Beauty…


But the artist can look at
The flower and freeze it in
Time – Paint it onto canvas
To live a thousand lifetimes


And a thousand generations
Will look upon the flower
And see the beauty it had
To offer


A beauty that once-
Blossomed, withered,
And died a long time ago….


And maybe some will say
To their selves – I wonder what
The artist was thinking of-


As she froze a moment in
Time – and painted eternity

~A gift to me

Ghost Flames

December 2, 2007 § Leave a comment

A paintbrush, a tube of blue to keep
From the inner depths, where secrets weep…


Love moved inside an artist’s heart one night.
By his bedside hangs a woman bathed in starlight-


…so many paintings where past and future meet.
How lovely her presence, still walks down Meeting Street.


Colors of a dream illuminate on his fingertips;
As he touched her softly, kissing her lips…


In painting the face of the deep,
He can only embrace her sadly in his sleep.

 

© Sonya Rose

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